Florida cockroaches are real cockroaches.  They are not teeny and puny like those little German immigrants.  Just seeing one of those big suckers swimming in your coffee or having sex on your kitchen counter  is enough to cause a major jump in most people’s blood pressure.

So what can you do about it?  Answer: cook them  Cooking them will not only eliminate them from your premises but it will also provide  an additional protein source.  The hard stuff  in their exoskeletons is better than fiber and when it scratches the insides of your large bowel, you  can forget about constipation (maybe for a really long time!) and get set for a really impressive weight loss.

So how do you cook a Florida cockroach?  Here are some suggestions.

1) Toast it!  If it’s hiding in the bottom of your toaster, it will come out flying like a       second stage ignition rocket.

2) Fry it.  The day old congealed butter in a frying pan will immobilize it. It can’t get   away. If  your close your  eyes and stir vigorously, its parts will disintegrate into    smaller  pieces and  no one, including you, will know the difference. You can also add breading for extra crunch.

3)  Roast it.  It’s hard to see a cockroach when it is au jus.

Now I find the thought of consuming a cockroach absolutely nauseating, even if it was pureed with pork rinds or dipped in chocolate.  My concern is that eating an unsterilized cockroach could cause violent stomach spasms and a three day stint in a diarrhea ward (or worse.)  So heed the warning:  Do not do this at home (or anywhere else)!

I like to fuss over my cat, Tom Brown.  But Tom doesn’t always take too kindly to
fussing and his tail will begin to twitch.
It even twitches when I just look at him.  He
just lies there, pretending  to
sleep and looking away from me, but the tail is twitching.  Then I get to thinking, what if humans had tails?  A tail could be a real
aggravation or even an embarrassment,
especially if you are trying to maintain your cool and  your tail has a mind of its own.

I can see it now.  A meeting  or a presentation.  Enthusiasm and  the tail get carried away.  Crisp, to the point,  data presentation is accompanied by the
staccato hammering of an uncontrolled tail beat. So much for self-control or
the lack of it.  Worse yet, it could have been a job interview.

Another scenario:  One grumpy  teacher and a classroom full of  misbehaving imps. Teachers are supposed to maintain a calm “you didn’t piss me off” demeanor.  Cool as ice… smooth as ice cream…  But after  a disruption, the tail would be a tell tale give
away.  I can just see it flailing from side to side or up and down.  Holding it
still would really be an effort.  And under  a dress???

“Look,” says one little brat to the other.  “Look at Mrs. M’s tail!”

Second little twerp: “Owww.  You just poked me in the eye, Mrs. M!”

Two days later  I’m back in the principal’s office :  “I know, Dr. Smartz (still not his real name),  my tail was out of control.  Lots of people have that problem, but I did
not try to poke that child’s eye out with my tail.”

On the other hand, a tail could serve some useful purposes:

1.  Use it as a pointer.  It would really go well with power point  presentations.

2.  Text with it.

3.  Use it as a gavel and call a meeting to order.

4.  Or wrap it around a bar stool to keep from falling off.

But there could  be other problems.

Teacher:  Imp Number 3, why are you out of your seat?

“My tail hurts Mrs. M. I’ve been sitting on it too long.”

Or worse yet, “Imp Number 4, keep your tail to yourself.”

“But Mrs. M., he keeps touching me!”

And don’ t  forget about big feet and rocking chairs. When
your tail is flattened,  yowwww!