Another day. Another day of boredom. I was looking for something to do. I knew I should be writing, but some days, maybe a lot of days, that’s something I would rather avoid. Writing – I have a love-hate relationship with it. It’s a five letter word for two four letter words: hard work. Anyway, if I poke around long enough, I can find something else to do. There’s always housework. But I really hate that. Not that I don’t like being clean, but getting there can be tedious if not outright exhausting.
Today was Mother’s Day and I didn’t enjoy it. I felt like a total failure this Mother’s Day. Just like I did on the last one, and the one before it. I read all those blogs and newspaper articles about what spectacular mothers everybody had. Mine loved me, but somehow never got it right. She was always unhappy and made sure everybody else was too. That included me. Like I said, things were never right, never happy, and certainly not joyful. Do I miss her? Who doesn’t miss their mother ? Even when life with them is not that wonderful.
It’s more than a week since the end of the Erma Bombeck Writers Conference 2014. I came back to South Florida so elated. How else can you feel when you’ve been laughing for three consecutive days? Now I’m back. It’s over. There are no more laughs. I feel sad. And it’s going to get worse before it gets better.
It’s night, long past midnight but nowhere near time to get up. I can’t sleep. The best I can do is enter that semi-conscious dream world where random thoughts run across my mind like scurrying insects. I want to get a fly swatter and chase them around my subconscious. If I become more awake, the mental garbage in my head will float to the surface of my subconscious and my mind will choke on the rubbish of my past and present.
I haven’t written for a week. Is it because the ideas, the creativity, just aren’t there? It would be nice if I could
squeeze ideas out of my head like tooth paste. I just can’t think of anything and when I do it’s at the most inopportune time. Like in the middle of the night, when I have insomnia.
I hate stupidity. I could say that stupid people drive me nuts but I’m not nuts or crazy (yes, there is a difference). So I’ll just have to say, I have no tolerance for stupid people.
For example: The other day my principal got a phone call from an irate parent (to those of you who don’t know me, I teach science in a well-moneyed urban high school). The complaint: The student’s mother said I showed my students chicken porn. I replied to the charge, ”Dr. Smartz (not his real name), I showed absolutely no pictures of any chickens fornicating or much less masturbating.”
I didn’t feel funny today. No humor. No sarcasm. Nothing. It was just one of those days. You know, when you don’t want to do another thing and you just have to get out of the house. Since this is South Florida, I didn’t have to worry about snow, and it wasn’t raining. It was a little on the warm side, but other than that, it was simply a gorgeous day. A good day to walk in the woods.
Men! I’ll never understand them. They want to live in nice places, houses, whatever…but they never want to do the upkeep. The house may be falling down around them but they always have a reason for not fixing things, not taking care of the yard, not cleaning out the car… You name it! Sometimes they don’t have a reason. But reason or not…whatever needs care is just not going to get it. Unless…
My mind?? I know it’s here somewhere…
I just read an article on mindfulness meditation. The idea is to spend time to oneself focusing only on the moment and one single thing, like breathing. The author described how she spent five days in this state by not talking to anyone, including her family. It was an inner revival, an opportunity “to gain clarity, wisdom, and freedom…” by paying attention to “moment experiences.”
Each New Year is a time for reminiscence and reflection. Here are things I have taken time to think about (usually in the middle of the night)