What The ???

I love going to Home Depot and Lowe’s. Almost more than Macy’s or Nordstrum’s… I can’t say Neiman Marcus because I don’t have the big bucks for that store. And besides, I can’t wear a size 0 or size 2. These days I’m more into home improvement. I look at interior design magazines and I get fantasies – fantasies what my house could really look like. Fantasies of how I could keep my husband, Howard, busy, one project after another…forever.

Goth Toe by Maggie Millus

This was one of those days. Would you believe I have another goth toe? Goth toe??? You’ve never heard of that? A goth toe is what you get when you injure your toe, the nail or rest of it, and it turns black. This is not to be confused with yellow or grunge toe which is when your toenail gets infected with fungus.

Silly Marital Issues by Maggie Millus

Vacuum cleaners. I hate housework, especially vacuuming the house. Not that I won’t do it, but before breakfast??? It was 6 o’clock this morning when Howard emerged from the bedroom. Instead of the usual sleepy trudge, he’s hauling ass to the utility closet and clutching his throat. At first I was impressed, I’ve never seen him so awake this early.

Footloose by Maggie Millus

All parts of a conch are supposed to be edible, which is okay if you don’t mind eating intestines and brains (however small conch brains may be). But a conch’s foot has the best white meat -not to be confused with pork- and if you don’t mind eating the equivalent of an overgrown escargot, conch fritters are delicious, grease and all!

Things In My Coffee by Maggie Millus

Florida cockroaches are real cockroaches. They are not teeny and puny like those little German immigrants. Just seeing one of those big suckers swimming in your coffee or having sex on your kitchen counter is enough to cause a major jump in most people’s blood pressure.

A Tell Tale Tail by Maggie Millus

I like to fuss over my cat, Tom Brown. But Tom doesn’t always take too kindly to fussing and his tail will begin to twitch. It even twitches when I just look at him. He just lies there, pretending to sleep and looking away from me, but the tail is twitching.